So, last night that random guy (you know, the one whose phone calls I keep returning and don't really know why?), and I were discussing what kind of pressie I want for my birthday. I seriously almost demanded those neon green Louboutins, until I noticed Agent Provocateur's newest collection... perfect for Halloween and girls like me. The Witches collection is the sexiest collection of dark lingerie I've seen this side of a Rob Zombie porno flick. You know if they distracted me from Louboutin, you have to look.

*Contains like... partial partial nudity. Don't be dumb. If you don't want to see side-boob and under-boob, and maybe some butt crack, don't look.

 Hey Hot Topic girls? Go away.

Gone are the days when you could wear an ACTUAL corset as a shirt (not a corset-cut shirt, an actual corset). I blame all of those damn Hot Topic girls with too much makeup and not enough self-esteem. THANKS, LADIES. FOR RUINING THE FUN. So, if you can't really wear it in public, why spend upwards of 700 dollars on a corset? Let me tell you why:  in a relationship (one night stands included, thank you) I tend to get annoyed, so it's always good to have secret weapons to make him (or her, depending on your preference) shut the hell up. Silence from my partner, when I want it, is priceless. Reason number two:  feeling sexy is the ultimate self-esteem booster. Even if you're laying around your house all by your lonesome in a 700 dollar corset and 140 dollar panties, it's still awesome to know you look hot hot hot.

I want to look like I could possibly work at the Bunny Ranch.

(The one I picked... awwwww yeaaaaa)

The Gretchen look is my favorite in the entire Witches collection, 100 percent handwoven traditional french lace, mini-tiny panties and brothel-esque thigh highs? I'd buy this look then hit the street corner to see how fast I could make my money back, plus more. I love it so much, in fact, the model inspired me to repaint my nails hooker red.

Let's have a closer look, shall we?

You know you want it.

Obviously a massive trend that's been floating around is the retro-pinup trend. Agent Provocateur is no exception, and has added a piece to the Witches Collection to fit the trend. The Iona look is an adorable full body piece that gives you that retro feel and amazing curves.

I feel that could be an outfit in the summer. But I'm kind of slutty.

The out-of-control sexy Maschina look is amazing. Now that I've seen it again I'm almost sad I didn't order it. Bras, panties and a full body that's completely see-through, save for that ultra-dark barbed-wire wrapped design. Yum.

Maybe it contains full nudity, but who cares? You've seen nipples before.

You know I have a skull obsession, and Agent Provocateur hasn't forsaken me. This stupid cute tank-top-panties-amazing-thigh-highs combo blows my mind. I don't see why that can't be worn as an every day tanktop with a black bra underneath it. That could just be me, though.

I couldn't show you a close-up of that cute tank top. It was too "blatant boobs."

There's way more in the Witches Collection, not to mention the other AMAZING collections Agent Provocateur sells on their website. Make sure to look, and who knows, maybe you can find a way to knock the looks off without breaking your pocket book. If you do, let me know.

A little bonus for that ass: Remember the last article I posted about lingerie? No? Go look. Well, I've found a picture I can post. I just hope Liz's extra gorgeous husband doesn't get pissed.

I so wasn't kidding. Feel free to hate on Liz's boots. I did alllll night. I wonder if one of us still has that guy's number? He was extra cute.