A new Miss Universe was crowned on Sunday - and yes, I watch beauty pageants, ok. I know, they objectify women, promote self image problems in little girls, blah, blah, blah. But they're also educational and informative - I mean, without them we'd probably still be oblivious to the national map shortage crisis that's crippling our students today. And the eye-rack. And, such as. So don't judge me. Anyhoo, the bevy of exotic beauties on stage Sunday made me realize that American chicks could probably learn a thing or two from our global counterparts in the beauty department. So I did a little digging for tips and secrets. And the best part is, you can follow most of them using items in your pantry or fridge. 

gold leaf facials date back to ancient Egypt

Africa

Hair has scales on the cuticle that make it look dull. This came as no surprise to me, since scales rarely deliver good news. So to combat dullness, women in some regions of Africa pour milk over their heads and let their hair soak for 20 minutes before shampooing. The proteins in milk help close the cuticle and lock in shine.

Australia

Mmmm, guacamole. Sounds good right about now, no? Next time you plan to whip up some of that tasty dip, save the avocado skins — and use them to exfoliate the rough spots on your feet. Apparently, it works like a charm on Aussie lasses.

Austria

* Did you catch Demi Moore on Letterman talking about her beauty secrets? If not, you're in for a gem of a treat. She had just come back from a spa vacay in Austria where she participated in a 19th century practice of leech blood-letting to remove toxins from her blood. That's right, Demi and Austrians pay to have leeches sit on their bodies so they can suck the blood right outta them. Dude, where's their brain? Must be parked over by Ashton's missing car. 

* Guys in the native land of Ahhnold, as well as girly men in the Czech Republic and Germany loves them some beauty treatments. Or maybe it's just an excuse to be ensconced in beer, because day spas offering men beer baths are all the rage. The lame excuse they give their girlfriends and wives? The yeast in beer is such a great source of vitamins that it clears up problem complexions and relieves stress in muscles at the same time. Riiight.

Belgium

Belgian dermatologists claim that mink oil is the most absorbable and compatible oil for human skin (frankly, I've heard the same thing about emu oil).  So Belgian broads mix it in their foundation to reduce wrinkles, age spots, zits, stretch marks, scars. Supposedly, it can also reduce thinning hair. 

Brazil

To intensify their sun tanning abilities, Brazilian beauties drink carrot juice and beet juice on a regular basis. You know, I had a friend in elementary school who was addicted to carrots — it got to be so bad that her skin turned orange. But I must say, leading up to that *incident* she had gorgeous skin. 

Egypt

From the land of Cleopatra, we have this savory morsel — to keep teeth nice and white, apply a mixture of baking soda and salt to teeth for a few minutes, then rinse off.

  hmm, wonder where the Coen brothers got this idea??

England

Want full, voluminous hair? Well, leave it to those wacky Brits to come up with a solution for hair suffering from performance anxiety. Wait for it . . . wait for it — ta da, bull semen conditioning hair masks. Salons across the pond apply it to hair, leave it on for about 30 minutes, rinse and voila! Strong, shiny locks.  I sh*t you not. 

France

I know, you need a breather after that bull one, right. You're in luck, because the French use sweet almond oil to both remove eye makeup and moisturize the delicate areas around the eyes.

Greece

* Taking advantage of their vitamin-rich natural food sources, Greeks exfoliate away dead skin using a scrub made from 4 Tbs. olive oil and 1/4 cup sugar. 

* Ever had Greek yogurt? It's so thick and yummy — and apparently, the lactic acid, proteins and vitamins are yummy for your skin as well. Greeks use it to get radiant complexions and treat sunburns by slathering it on liberally, like a mask. In India, ground almonds are added to a yogurt mask mixture. The Vitamin E rich nuts condition and moisturize skin, while the grainy texture exfoliate.

Israel

Israeli women soothe aching muscles and stiff joints by allowing a snake to slither all over their bodies. And I don't mean their boyfriends — budump-ump! Yuk-yuk, I'll be here all week, folks. Seriously, there's a waiting list at spas in Israel for non-venomous snake massages. Um, yea. Sure sounds soothing to me, too.

Italy

Teen girls in Italy learn from their moms and grandmothers to condition their eyelashes with castor oil every night before bed, to keep them from breaking. If you ask me, that just sounds like a pink eye accident waiting to happen.

Jamaica

When Jamaican women want to soften their skin or heal a sunburn, they rub the fleshy side of a banana peel over their skin. When I tried to figure out why, I found out from a message board that banana peel is so magically delicious for your skin, that it also clears up psoriasis, warts, wounds, and draws out splinters. The Vitamin C in bananas heal wounds, nourish connective tissue, and defend against infections. While the Vitamin B6 is an immune system booster.

Japan

* Taking a cue from ancient Egyptians who believed that ingesting gold powder would make them immortal, comes an old trick from Cleopatra - gold leaf facials for younger, rejuvenated skin. The scientific explanation is that our skin is naturally designed to reject foreign particles like gold. So when it's applied to the skin, it immediately goes into cell-turnover mode and grows new cells, leaving skin wrinkle and zit free.  

* Next time you're cleaning out tweety-bird's cage, save some of the poop for your face. Apparently, it's all the rage among geishas who give themselves nightingale dropping facials all the time, because it gives them clean skin and a pearl-like luster. The feces from this bird are rich in enzymes and amino acids, and exfoliate skin really well - so well, in fact, that it's the only thing that can remove the geishas' thick, white makeup with ease. Sounds kinda tame compared to the whole bull semen thing, right?. 

New Zealand

Manuka honey is a favorite zit zapper of the Kiwis, because the honey is said to be rich in minerals, with strong antiseptic, germ-killing and wound-healing properties. Honey is big in Poland, too, just not the manuka variety. There, women use honey to soften their lips.

Russia

When Russians cut themselves shaving, they rub garlic cloves over the cut in hopes that the antibacterial properties will stave off an infection. No doubt, a few shots of vodka make this procedure tolerable. 

Spain

* If you've ever partied with the Spaniards, you know that they pretty much invented the concept of 24-hour party people. So to combat dark under-eye circles, Spanish teens apply thin slices of raw potato to their eyes for at least 10 minutes. The juice from the potatoes draws out the dark discoloration. I'm totally trying this!

* And even when Spaniards are recovering from partying too hard, they need a dash of booze to relax. To reduce stress and condition skin, they add this concoction to their baths: 

1/4 cup sesame oil

6 cloves

2 cinnamon sticks

1 bay leaf

Dash of dark rum

Combine all ingredients in a dark container and allow to steep for at least 1 hour. Add 3 drops to bath water.

Taiwan

To cool a sunburn, teens in Taiwan swab cool, brewed tea on their skin. Apparently, the tannic acid removes the sting from the burn.

Thailand

If you want glowing skin with fewer lines and wrinkles, steal this tip from Thai women who scrub their faces with a mixture of turmeric powder and a little water. Rinse and wash away any orange discoloration and you'll have gorgeous looking skin.

  hungry little rascals, ain't they?

Turkey

Ever heard of a Turkish foot bath? It's real simple - just dip your rough, scaly, psoriasis-ridden tootsies in a shallow pool of water. Next, drop in a bunch of ravenous fish who will then proceed to chomp away at the dead skin on your feet. Sounds so logical, why didn't I think of that?