I need a job as a swimwear designer. Know why? Because I could cruise the web checking out styles from 20 or 30 years back, knock 'em off, and then sit back and rake in the bucks. Looking at this summer's styles, I felt some serious déjà vu.      

The cutouts, the halters, the bandeau tops—all just scream retro. Not '50s retro (though it's definitely having its moment in the sun), but the edgier-still '70s-'80s retro. Why edgier? Lifestyles and swim-styles of the time let a lot just sort of … hang out—not an underwire or lined cup in sight. Yikes. On the plus side, these suits were designed for girls with natural figures, not the top-heavy silicone types that became the norm a decade or two later. 

Coming to a Halter

Check out Christie Brinkley in her '70s bandeau halter one-piece. I'm totally getting the same vibe from Brette Sandler's piece (right, $80.75) in updated shades of deep raspberry—it's demure and sweet with just a touch of sex appeal. I like the way the ultra-thin halter strap, accented with a metallic bead, gives a cute necklace-y effect. But I do think this one should come with a "Caution: B-cup maximum" warning. 

Sling Shot

In 1984, Paulina Porizkova (Who, by the way, I adore as the newest ANTM judge) was the It Girl of all It Girls in her semi-sling (Hello, Borat! Hello, John Mayer!) monokini tank. Fast forward to 2008, and Carmen Marc Valvo (right, $102) is taking the same down-to-there risk. This suit is definitely more about getting seen than getting your swim on, unless you're up for beachside wardrobe malfunctions. I'm also just a skosh concerned about the boob-flattening aspects. Wearable? Not-so? 

String Theory

It's eerie how similar the Sports Illustrated 1978 cover suit and the Victoria's Secret Very Sexy (above right, $45) and Jessica Simpson (left, $98) models are—the big difference is in where we wear our strings today: lower. A lot lower. 

Can I just note how evil that aspect of 70s and 80s swimwear was? To create a "longer leg line," everything was cut way over the hip, if not up to the waist. Scary. I also find it questionable that the VS suit has brought back another retro trend—the "sun-through" suit. Tan lines—and cancer—be damned! This concerns me (she said, channeling Tim Gunn). Can something be "sun-through" without also being see-through?

Bikinis in Babeland

These three girls look like they walked off the same photo shoot. Except that the mighty Cheryls (Ladd and Tiegs) were shot 30 years ago, and Alessandra Ambrosio couldn't be more current in a hologram GUESS bikini (right, per piece, $34 and $31). 

Rainbow Brite

These rainbow numbers by Vitamin A (left, per piece, $75 and $80) and Sugar Free (right, per piece, $37 and $36) are also hitting up Miss Ladd's angelic look with their bright stripes and light coverage.

Cute bikinis on cute bikini bodies are eternally in style. And if you've got the nerve, I dare you to '80s-up your swagger by hiking your bikini ties as high as possible. But I won't be joining you. Not in this decade, anyhow.